An interesting phenomenon is among baby boomers as we die
off. Good chance if you are over 50 you
have had a co-worker, friend or sibling die not suddenly.
If the terminal person has a husband, wife or partner that
is managing the dying person’s daily life, this is the person you have to
honor. If the dying person is relying on friends or adult children to manage
their demise, this becomes a very sensitive landscape to traverse.
Saying good-bye to the terminally ill doesn’t have exact
etiquette but I would like to give some tips.
1. Who is benefiting
from your visit?
If you have not seen this person in years, don’t start now
at the end. Send a card, an email or a phone call. If you call, do not insist
on talking to the dying person but express your wishes to the person who
answers the phone.
2. Do not just drop
over to the dying person’s home.
You want to leave a casserole, great call ahead. You want to
bring a book or music, great, call ahead. You may be asked to leave it at the
door, but do not just leave stuff at the door!
3. Do not insist on
talking or seeing the dying person with the ruse of “I’ll just be a minute”.
Some days are better than others for the dying. Sometimes
the care managers are exhausted. Sometimes the care manager or the dying person
is not assertive. Don’t force yourself in the door. If they say ‘Today’s not a
good day’, that is final. Re-read tip #!!
4. Do not voice or
second-guess the choices or decisions of the dying person.
Often the terminally ill have chose to die rather than take
additional treatments. Honor their choice. Do not put your own values on their
decisions or voice your opinions to their family.
5. Respect the
choices of the funeral or memorial services.
Many terminal ill people will plan their funeral or memorial
service down to the music, invitations and food served. If they expressed
everyone to wear Hawaiian dress, you better wear a lei and mu-mu or Hawaiian shirt!
If you just cannot comply with their funeral or memorial wishes, don’t go!
Have you noticed a change in funerals, memorial services or
saying good-bye to the terminally ill?
3 comments:
I think that not second guessing is so key - although this is so hard to think about.
You are right. Sometimes one's tongue gets bloody.
The picture at the end is my friend Pat Kopetski who lost her 6 year battle to breast cancer last month. She changed her Facebook picture to this one taken when she was a teen, about a week before she died.
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