Saying Good-Bye

An interesting phenomenon is among baby boomers as we die off.  Good chance if you are over 50 you have had a co-worker, friend or sibling die not suddenly.

If the terminal person has a husband, wife or partner that is managing the dying person’s daily life, this is the person you have to honor. If the dying person is relying on friends or adult children to manage their demise, this becomes a very sensitive landscape to traverse. 

Saying good-bye to the terminally ill doesn’t have exact etiquette but I would like to give some tips.

1. Who is benefiting from your visit?

If you have not seen this person in years, don’t start now at the end. Send a card, an email or a phone call. If you call, do not insist on talking to the dying person but express your wishes to the person who answers the phone.

2. Do not just drop over to the dying person’s home.

You want to leave a casserole, great call ahead. You want to bring a book or music, great, call ahead. You may be asked to leave it at the door, but do not just leave stuff at the door!

3. Do not insist on talking or seeing the dying person with the ruse of  “I’ll just be a minute”.

Some days are better than others for the dying. Sometimes the care managers are exhausted. Sometimes the care manager or the dying person is not assertive. Don’t force yourself in the door. If they say ‘Today’s not a good day’, that is final. Re-read tip #!!

4. Do not voice or second-guess the choices or decisions of the dying person.

Often the terminally ill have chose to die rather than take additional treatments. Honor their choice. Do not put your own values on their decisions or voice your opinions to their family.

5. Respect the choices of the funeral or memorial services.

Many terminal ill people will plan their funeral or memorial service down to the music, invitations and food served. If they expressed everyone to wear Hawaiian dress, you better wear a lei and mu-mu or Hawaiian shirt! If you just cannot comply with their funeral or memorial wishes, don’t go!

Have you noticed a change in funerals, memorial services or saying good-bye to the terminally ill?

Mother Knows Best

  As we age some friendships fall by the wayside. We were friends because of work or because of the kids or the neighborhood, and then circumstances change, and friendships wane. Some friendships end with death. Getting older means this occurrence happens more often.

My father who died at age 86 had outlived all of his close friends. He was then friends with what he called the ‘B’ List. This may sound mean but it was really just realistic. The guys he really wanted to play golf, play cards and hang out with were all gone.

While I still have many “A” lists friends, I did lose one to cancer last year. This is the anniversary of her death and over the week-end I bumped into her son who I haven’t seen in a year. He is a handsome young man, with an MBA and gainfully employed. He was meeting some friends for lunch and we could only catch up for a few minutes. I asked about his girlfriend and was told they broke up.

My friend never cared for the son’s girlfriend, but never mentioned it to anyone but her girlfriends. At my friend’s funeral the son’s girlfriend was not dressed appropriately, too short of a skirt, fishnet hose, and a neckline showing all her tattoos and more while walking up and down the aisles. There usually is one such person at most funerals that cannot resist the attention of an audience, and she was ‘it’.

I was thrilled to hear his news about his break-up, but restrained my reaction. He mentioned that his Mom never got close to the old girlfriend and asked me did I know why? I was able to say in all honesty that his Mother was very intuitive, and perceptive. His reply sent me into tears, “Yeah, Mom always did know best”.

Happy Mother’s Day to all intuitive perceptive Mothers who do as a matter of fact know best!